Because Reading Is Good For The Mind

Every day I receive about 40 emails from a service that compiles topics that writers are working on and gives them access to possible sources (like me.) Basically, if the topic applies to my work, I respond.

On average I read through hundreds of topics each day ranging from financial to health to business. And every now and then a topic jumps out at me as really weird. So for your enjoyment, I've compiled some of my favorites from the last two days. With comments. Of course.

And remember, these are topics for articles you might very well read one day. By real writers. In real publications.

Fabulous Funerals
I don't know about you, but I wouldn't usually catagorize a funeral as fabulous. What makes a funeral fabulous? Do you have to make a special request to have a fabulous funeral? It there going to be a special on E! about fabulous funerals? Because I'm not going to lie, I might watch it. And how do I make sure that my own funeral will be fabulous?

Female Facial Hair
Not quite as captivating as Fabulous Funerals and to be honest I'm not sure I'd want to read this article. Maybe it's because I'm not a sufferer of female facial hair. Maybe it's because there's a thousand and one commercials for ways to get rid of it! Forever! Or maybe it's because I find it hard to believe someone could devote a whole article to the topic.

Companies That Engage Employees With Words
As opposed to engaging us with pictures and candy and shiny things and puppies. Ooooooh soft puppy. Must work harder....

Daddy Lit
Like Chick Lit? For dads? So instead of a novel about a sexy and single girl in the city it's about...? Dads? Do men want to read this?

Self Esteem and Girls: Overcoming the Curse
The Curse! If only someone had written an article when I was in middle school about my self esteem and how I could overcome the Curse. If only! My whole life could have been different. And such wisdom I could have passed on about the Curse! In fact, the Curse would become only an urban legend that we told our own children. "You think you have it bad? When I was your age I had to walk five miles to school in the snow with no shoes and I WAS CURSED!"

Recruiting New Nuns
Is this a how-to guide? In case I wanted to recruit my own nuns? And once recruited, could we do fun things, like make an all-nun softball team?

Male Attorney Fashions
Because when picking my attorney, the most important thing is who he's wearing. I will settle for nothing less than Prada.

How to be OK Without Being Nice
Now this I would read. How to be OK Without Being Nice...To Your Future Mother In Law.

Wake Up Call

How do you perceive things?

Sheltered

Elementary schools in Wyoming, Washington and Massachusetts have banned tag from recess. According to one principal, recess is "a time when accidents can happen."

Tag? Really? What about gym class? Isn't that "a time when accidents can happen"? I remember being hit with one or two dodge balls. My sister broke her arm running relays on wet grass, per the teacher's instructions. How many kids walk away with a black eye from softball? So based on this logic, shouldn't gym be banned too? And what about riding bikes? Or jumping rope? Or climbing the monkey bars? Because, people, these are times when accidents can happen!

I just don't understand why kids have to be so sheltered these days. We were all exposed to the same stuff. We're basically all OK. And those who aren't OK, can you really blame it on tag?

I used to work at a daycare. We'd play our games and sing our songs, but when it came to singing "There Was An Old Lady Who Swallowed A Fly," well, forget it.

You know the words: "There was an old lady who swallowed a fly/I don't know why she swallowed a fly/perhaps she'll die.....there was a old lady who swallowed a horse. She died, of course!"

Well, we were instructed to change to words. To "perhaps she'll cry." Because oh no, don't let children hear the word "die". No, no. They'll have nightmares. They'll be scarred for life!

But let me just tell you, it's really a life lesson. Because if you swallowed a horse to catch the dog to catch the cat to catch the bird to catch the spider...the wriggled and wriggled and jiggled inside her....to catch the fly. Well kiddos, you'd probably die. That's what happens when you swallow foreign objects.

And what about Looney Tunes? Remember the great Saturday morning cartoons that we watched and our parents watched? Oh no. Not now. Too violent. I mean, kids might actually drop anvils on their friend's heads. And dropping anvils on people is wrong.

But Bratz, where cartoon tweens walk around in skanky outfits and babies are wearing high heels and makeup?

Well, that's OK. As long as they're not playing tag.

Morning Thoughts

*Every day on my way to work I pass the same car. A white Intrepid with four bumper stickers: 94 HJY, B101 and two Sushi Go stickers.

He's usually driving about five miles slower than me and we usually glance at each other as I pass him. One co-commuter to the next.

Today, however, things were a little different. As I merged onto Rt. 1 I saw a car quickly approaching in my rear view mirror. Suddenly, Mr. Bumper Sticker flew by me, looking directly at me as he did. I was so surprised! Was he late? Did he see it was me and decided today would be the day he was the faster car? Was this an invitation to rumble?

Ten minutes later I strolled on by him, as he had slowed down to his usual speed. I don't get it.

*I also passed a school bus with tinted windows. Tinted Windows! When did school buses get pimped out?

I heard that Snoop Dog coaches some youth football league and pimped out their bus like no other. Speakers in the seats, flat screen TVs. Maybe the Westerly School District is taking cues from the Dog himself. What's next? Gin and juice boxes?

15 Minutes of Pain

You know what would be really awful? To be one of those people featured on the news as "America's Obesity Problem."

You're going about your morning, eating your breakfast, ironing your pants (not necessarily at the same time) when BAM! Smack on the screen is your midsection, the CNN ticker gliding over your knees.

There's no mistaking it's you. How many people really own that Larry, Mo and Curly tee-shirt? (No, seriously. How many? They need to be confiscated.) Would other people know it's you? Would you care?

Or what if you were featured in the "Don'ts" section of Glamour? Sure, you thought the tapered, acid wash jeans cinched around your middle, giving you the ever popular "muffin top" was sexy. Yes, the neon, cropped, mesh shirt was popular. In 1986. And where did you ever find a mini-backpack these days? (Mine was black with a brown suede flap. I'm really impressed you found a clear plastic one...they were tough to come by.)

You made these choices. You thought you were styling. Would you consider your 15 minutes in Glamour to be a good thing?

Me? I would be mortified. The prospect of being on the news, for any reason, freaks me out. There is a chance that with the nature of my job this could one day occur. I'm so not looking forward to that.

Good thing I no longer wear red high-tops with Tweety Bird on them.

What? You didn't wear those? Yeah, um, me neither.....

Sweetness

A re-post, because I like this one.

As I'm walking back from dropping off a FedEx package, I come up behind an older couple holding hands.

You know that three-stone diamond anniversary ring commercial with the younger couple walking around the older couple? It was like that, except they weren't that old. Probably in their 60s.

The couple is walking slowly, they're laughing and smiling. He even stops to pick her a flower. The whole time they never let go of each other's hands.

I know that in reality, they could be a new couple. (I mean what the hell, my grandfather just remarried at 80!) They both could have had lives before each other. Spouses, children, etc.

But I'd like to think that they've been happily married for 40 years and love each other today just as much, if not more, as they did when they said "I do."

That couple made me happy.