Tales From The Gym

My favorite elliptical was open. I did a brief scan of the surrounding area as I approached, noticing the woman to the left and the empty machine to the right. I put down my water bottle and iPod and left to get a magazine. When I returned the woman was at a moderate jog, alternately pushing her arms out in some slow tai-bo type move. I didn't really get it, but who am I to judge? (HA!)

I started running, when BAM! It hit me. B.O. My nostrils went into panic mode. B.O.? Not B.O.! Now yes, I know, I'm at the gym. Where people sweat. Including myself. But B.O.? I am deeply offended by B.O. (See here and here.) The smell was getting worse and I glanced over at the woman, now rapidly tai-boing, allowing for her armpits to be exposed and slowly kill me with their toxic emissions.

I thought it would be rude to stop working out suddenly and change machines so I stayed. I'm not sure why I did, why I was afraid of hurting this woman's feelings. I tried breathing through just my mouth, but that just made me thirsty. So I sucked it up.

And then, when I thought it couldn't possibly be worse, an older man began his workout on the machine to my right. The machine facing the opposite direction from mine so his rear is near my front.

And ripped a deadly fart.

In the Last 24 Hours...

Embarrassing: Having a face that turns a shade slightly lighter than a tomato when I work out and remains that way for over an hour.

More Embarrassing: Tripping out the door as I was leaving the pizza place. In front of employees. And customers. Who laughed.

Most Embarrassing Thing Ever EVER: Telling your boss you have diarrhea when you could have just said you were sick and then proceed to continue to ramble on about how you know it's gross and he probably doesn't want to hear about it but you CAN'T STOP TALKING even though the voice in the back of your head is yelling SHUT UP! and proceed to spew word vomit all over yourself causing quite the verbal train wreck.

**Hanging head in shame**

When All The Rules Go Down The Toilet

This is a weird topic and not for the squeamish. I'm serious. If you're easily grossed out, stop reading.

That being said...those of you in a relationship: what are your bathroom boundaries?

Mine used to be very cut and dry. When I'm in the bathroom, he's not. Period. I didn't mind if he wanted to brush his teeth while I was in the shower, but anything involving the toilet was off limits until I was done.

As our relationship progressed, the boundaries changed. It started with peeing while the other one was in the shower. Then it was peeing while the other one was brushing their teeth.

The boundaries had been reset. I was OK with them.

And then they changed.

Michael got sick. The kind of sick that makes you go to the bathroom. A lot. Our house is small and there's only one bathroom. So when someone's really sick, you know it. Now I worked in a daycare for a year after college. I've changed more than my fair share of dirty diapers and went through countless accidents that occur during potty training. Obviously I don't enjoy other people's bowel movements, but I can handle them.

Since he would be in there so long, we would end up talking through the door. I'd be playing with the dog, he'd be doing his business. It actually didn't seem that weird, except for when he would talk about it. Is it all guys or just My Guy that likes to discuss the details of his excrements?

Eventually it started cutting into my routine. I needed to do my makeup before work, but he was occupying the room. So I'd dash in, grab my stuff and dash out. Then finally, he had to go when I was in the shower. What can you do, say no?

Now we did not make a habit of this. That was an emergency situation. He does not have the freedom to do as he pleases on the toilet while I'm in there. I don't bring in a chair and discuss current events. This will never be a regular event for two. It's still a private time.

And then this morning, while he was in the shower, it hit me. I had to go. It was my turn to push the boundaries. Was I ready for it? I momentarily panicked. Up until now it had always been him going in my presence. Was I ready to share the most personal of situations, which could potentially included noises or smells?

Turns out I was. Oh he made fun of me, of course. But it wasn't that bad.

I cannot wait until we have two bathrooms.

There Is Cause For Concern

When the work kitchen....


....smells like toilet.

So gross I have to share....then probably go throw up

My office is in an old mansion built in 1842. The architecture is pretty cool and it's neat to think I work in a former bedroom or sitting room. The bathroom still has an old tub in it.

There are some downsides to working in an old building. Mainly the attic (where I have been once and don't plan on going back to) and the basement (which I've been told is like something out of Silence of the Lambs. I definitely won't be going down there!) The stairs are also very narrow and they curve sharply to the left under a low ceiling which you have to duck under. Various pipes run across the ceiling as well. I have hit my head more than once.

Now as you all know, I am smell-sensitive. (The B.O. smell went away, if you're curious.) But I completely understand that when you've got to go, you've got to go. We've all been there. Office poops are part of life.

So I'm heading down the narrow staircase to go raid the supply closet for some new pens. I'm half way down, positioned just under the pipes when I hear a flush. I pause and look up at the pipes, I guess as a reflex to hearing a sound above me. (No, the pipes didn't break...you think I would still be at work if I was covered in feces pieces? I DON'T THINK SO!)

As the water rushed above my head, just inches from my nose, I smelled it. IT. Poop. Crap. Doo Doo. HUMAN WASTE. I might as well have had my head IN the toilet. It smelled that bad. I was momentarily frozen in shock, the smell penetrating my unassuming nostrils and up into my eyeballs before I flew down the stairs and away from the offending odor.

Five minutes later, new pens in hand, I ran back up to my office taking two stairs at a time. (Who knew if the smell was still lingering? I didn't want to find out!) I'm still really grossed out.

I knew I shouldn't have ventured out of the office today.

The nose always knows.

Remember what I said about B.O.? I wasn't kidding. I was walking down the hall at work a minute ago and suddenly walked into a wall of stink.

The offending party was nowhere to be found, which means they're lurking around here somewhere spreading the smell.

I'm not leaving my desk unless absoultely necessary.

10 Things you may (or may not) know about me....but you totally should

1. I'm really weird about smelling things. Shredded cheese in a bag, for example. If it's been in the fridge for a couple days and I want to use it I will have to find Michael and make him smell it. If he's not home, no cheese for me. This used to be quite the issue when I lived with the ladies of 38 BP in college. I think it gets on people's nerves.

2. In relation to #1, I am deeply offended by B.O. I must have a super-sensitive nose because I swear I can smell it from across a room, down the aisle of the grocery store, through the walls of a dressing room....and when I say offended, I mean offended. I just don't understand how someone can't smell their own B.O. (For further reference, I call it Bo, as in Little Bo Peep.

3. I wasn't kidding about the shoe thing. I have a problem. It started innocently enough with a few here or there. It's gotten to the point where almost every shopping trip results in a pair. Not to say they're not fabulous. THEY ARE. I am a firm believer that you can dress up any outfit with the right pair of shoes. When Michael was away in Georgia for a month I bought five pairs. Five. In a month. I'm running out of places to put them.

4. I looooooove my friends. While most of them are spread out now throughout New England (and the Tri-State area.. I love NY forever and ever) I know they are there for me whenever I need them.

5. I am a totally sappy romantic. My mom calls me a mush. I love love. I am so blessed to be loved by so many amazing people. And I love being in love too!

6. I've been in an amazing relationship for over four years. I love you, Michael.

7. I saw Sting last weekend on the beach. For free. You know you're jealous.

8. I think squeezing blackheads is cool. Ditto for when Michael gets a zit on his back. It's like Christmas!

9. My sister and I are complete opposites, but she is the coolest girl in the world. We're seven years apart (she's younger) and used to fight all the time. Now that we're three hours apart I miss her like woah and get so excited every time I see her. She's amazingly talented and unique and no one can make me laugh like she does.

10. I rock at Friends trivia. Val bought me the board game for my birthday one year and no one will play with me because I always win.